What do I really want?

Yeah. It’s that time again. Where I’ve been staying back home in my small hometown going mad. Even though I know that I am working towards some great things, I itch to leave and to do stuff. So what I am doing is to do creative things like writing, and producing small projects and going out every weekend with my friends like a Jersey Shore party whore. (Well, not that bad.) I’m doing as much stuff as I can in order not to go mental, and I am working hard at the hotel, to earn money and experience.

I thought it would help to ask myself that question again, it’s kinda ridiculous, as I’ve done this a million times before in my journal. But one should probably ask oneself that question now and then, to keep your mind on track, and your motivation high.

I talk to people that are so established already, at my age! I freak out, because while some people already have a house, a well paid job and a car, I still have a huge student loan that I haven’t even started paying. People are taking up mortgages and buying apartments and houses, and that is something I frankly won’t be able to afford in a looooong time. I do want that security too, I daydream that one day I’ll buy my own apartment in London, and when I go really far with it, it’s a six-bedroom apartment where my friends can live for free when their struggling, like struggling artists do. And eventually, I’d love to buy a house in the English countryside. The way my credit rating is looking at the moment, I don’t see how it can get better, and I haven’t started like a young housing savings fund thing. Not in England OR in Norway. When my friends tell me they are starting one, and how much money they put into it, I freak out, it’s such a smart thing to do. It’s a great investment!
Some people have been in relationships for years and are getting engaged etc. Some people have just met and move in with each other within a few months. Some people are getting pregnant. I, am not likely to settle in this way in a long time, because I am so not established. And I don’t know how long it’s going to take to establish myself, as it is really really hard.

So I look at people and take one example, they’re together with someone, they study, get a car, get a degree, move in with that someone, get engaged, get a good job, get a house, get promoted, go on holidays, get married, have kids, get promoted, go on family holidays, buy a new car, save, save, work, work, save, holiday, maybe get a new house… where does it go on from there? This is a typical Norwegian family life model. This ALSO freaks me out. This is what I’ve known since I was a teenager, that I didn’t want. How awfully boring! But, oh, maybe they do something special, maybe they go on a boys trip with their mates to Amsterdam or Las Vegas, the girls go to New York and London for shopping, they go as a couple to Paris and Venice, maybe travel around the world, maybe even backpacking. Oooh, maybe they’ll go to India, to find themselves, or to experience something spiritual, maybe they’ll go exploring Africa. And oooh! Where does the honeymoon go to…? Hawaii, or Barbados, or Greece, or Bora Bora? Jesus. How predictable. And that means, for a lot of my established friends, they’ve come half way there already..! What is next? Saving up for retirement and waiting for those golden days to come?

But come on Jasmin. This is all good stuff! It’s not like I don’t want ANY of that. In fact, I want ALL of that. But x 10 ! ALL of it x 10! Intense! Extreme! Adventurous! Exciting! I DO want to get engaged, get a good job, Get married, get a house, get A DRIVERS LICENCE FOR A START! Have children, go on family holidays, go to India, go to Africa, travel the world, go on romantic trips to Paris. But not like that…. HOW can I explain it? Not the way THEY do it. I wanna experience it all in a different way. I’d like to be able to WORK in different countries, and not just travel through them as a tourist, I’d like to do volunteer work, charity work, animal rescue, community theatre, see both sides of all the places, get to know the real people, get dirty, get knocked down, maybe get a license to a frickin motor bike and bike around different countries, lock myself up for days in a hotel room with a loved one for an intense period of love making and experimenting with emotions, feelings and expression, have kids, take them travelling for months in all sorts of countries, teach them the way of the worlds out there, let them see the differences, teach them music and acting and the joy of art, and have a huge fuckoff wedding that’s weird, different and funny, and just right for both me and my man. Full of passion, love and dedication.

And yet there is more.
What more do I want….? I’ve known since I was a kid what I want. But with the years, and things that happened to me, they changed. What did I want? Did I want to have a voice? To be heard? To be respected? Even admired? To be recognised? Famous? Rich? A star…? Attending award ceremonies, parties, Hollywood events, being in the papers, being in films, speaking my mind, affecting people, inspiring people, be a great, talented actress, do political theatre, do acting that I can be proud of, be a part of projects that I can stand for, and put my name down on? Yes. That is what I wanted. All those things. Although I knew I didn’t need it all to be happy.

NOW, what do I want?
I still want all of that. But more. Again. There are more important things yet. To tell my brothers story. To make a movie about him, a truly great movie. To tell my grandmothers story. Tell my family’s story. Have my story told. Tell loads of stories. Inspire people. Help people. Write, Direct, Produce and act in things. Be able to say the things I want to say, and use my friends to tell them, help my friends, make friends with the talented people I admire, create a positive network, include as many people as possible, affect lives, help, help my family, eventually, finally, please, make me able to pay them back. To give them everything. That is what I want.

So now.
I’m thinking. Fuck it. People die all the time. People loose everything. Yes it’s smart to invest money, or save money. But I could die tomorrow. And so I work, till I have just enough money, then I sod off, and go on a great adventure. But as long as I feel that it is giving me experience within my creative work, and me as a person, because the two go hand in hand to enable anything good to come out of this mind… then I’m NOT wasting time. I am NOT wasting money. I am doing it MY own way. And the fact of the matter is, I might not get all those things that all my established, safe friends will. I might end up poor for the rest of my life, and unable to provide my children with what I want, and maybe I’ll end up alone. But I cannot do it another way. I’ve always known that. Just, keep going, because life is short, but also long, I have loads of time to save up money, get a car and a house, kids and a big diamond ring, but I might also die tomorrow, so why save up all my money already now, while I’m this young?

“Dream hard and shoot high” – Keane

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Anonymous says:

    You're awesome, Jasmin! Do what you love! Aim while you shoot, or you'll miss every time!jr

    Like

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